Struggling living alone: A Mental Battle

Before the whole Covid-19 situation, I was very dependent on those around me in order to live, be happy and handle myself in general. However, after a series events including the jump of me living with people to living alone in a studio apartment, I have been able to come to terms with myself and how I lived my life.

I came to realize with my previous relationship, I was very dependent on my other half. I constantly wanted attention to keep myself happy, despite when I had many negative things going on around me. Even when he was busy, I needed him because without this form of attention I felt lonely and depressed despite me actually having friends. The more I look back on this I do question why and how I became like this. Was it because of my mental health generally spiraling out of control, or me being new to the environment of being loved by someone? Perhaps a bit of both, I am still trying to discover the answer. This also applies with my best friend. I always wanted her to be available for me whenever I needed her, but at the same time I didn’t want to be selfish. As a result, I built up another wall where I required the presence of others to keep myself mentally going, and without this same presence I would crash and burn.

So, after a few terrible events I was offered an opportunity to move into a studio apartment because of covid-19. At first, I was very hesitant about this as I struggle to live without other people living around me, even if I don’t get along with them. I have the fear of being left alone completely with my own thoughts, considering how dark and twisted it can be. The first week living alone I can honestly say was hell. Every night I could hear negative voices in my head telling me I don’t have the right to live etc. I constantly had nightmares, so there were days when I went without sleep. However, because I was also doing therapy for different reasons during this period of time it did help me to get use to my new surroundings.

Living alone gave me the time I needed to reflect on events that took place during March & April. It also gave me the opportunity with therapy to understand properly where my depression first begun and all the negative events, I had experienced that made me the person I always hated. By dealing with it in a healthier manner, it made me slowly appreciate myself more. I began redoing things I used to love for example, photography, bullet journaling, cooking and just in general being creative.

The downside of living alone though during a pandemic is that things seems more lonely than usual. Going out is no fun, staying indoors is not fun too. Slowly things did start to get to me. I cried more than usual and envied many people around me who was lucky enough to have company with them. It’s something though I had come to accept though. This is because what I have learnt from this experience is that I need to appreciate more the positive out of this experience than the negative. Living alone may have been a struggle, but I was able to rediscover myself and appreciate myself more.

So its okay to not be okay, because this feeling doesn’t last forever.